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For me as a woman in my late thirties, I’ve long felt that politeness is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Although I have a happy life, I’ve battled very poor self-esteem. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and doubting myself has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Frequently, it happens so quickly that I’m not even aware of it. It comes from anxiety and has impacted both my private and work life. It irritates my close ones and workmates, and then I get annoyed when they mention it—which only heightens my anxiety.

Public Speaking and Questioning

This excessive apologizing is especially troubling when it comes to addressing a group or posing queries in front of people. I try to write everything down to stay on track and avoid nervous rambling, but even that isn’t effective most of the time. As an junior researcher in politics, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to work on this through exposure therapy, such as leading sessions and forcing myself to ask questions at public events, despite experiencing embarrassments from senior male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more conscious of when I’m apologizing, but this helps at first before I revert to old habits.

Accepting Myself

I don’t think I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve made peace with that. I still appreciate life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to reduce the frequent sorrys. I’ve heard that therapy might benefit me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used wisely. Too little or too much, and you place a strain on others.

Understanding the Roots

A therapist might explore where this compulsion comes from. Thoughts including, “How early were you when this began?” or “Was it your own idea or inherited from someone close to you?” Sometimes, childhood behaviors that once helped us become harmful in adulthood.

In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as holding yourself back. You realize it annoys those around you, yet you keep doing it.

The Role of Therapy

When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on staying present rather than striving. Much of effective counseling is about understanding yourself, not just problem-solving. A skilled therapist will supportively question you, offering a comfortable setting to examine and embrace who you are.

Instead of facing fears head-on, a connection-based method with a person-centered counselor might be more helpful. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you view, dismiss, and criticize yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more gentle ways to see things. Your self-esteem can develop from there.

Useful Strategies

Changing ingrained patterns is difficult, especially in tense situations when apologizing feels like a automatic response. But you can start by thinking on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to not apologize. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid shame or being seen, by acknowledging perceived shortcomings before others do. This can create a loop of frustration and worry.

Even thinking things through can be helpful. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a alternative statement instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel listened to without you taking blame.

This journey will take time, but recognizing there’s an issue is a significant first step toward change.